


i'll be your angel, i'll be your best friend

by addendum



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: M/M, smut later on, tw suicide
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-18
Updated: 2017-07-30
Packaged: 2018-11-15 21:38:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,371
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11239764
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/addendum/pseuds/addendum
Summary: In the aftermath of Connor's suicide, Jared is left picking up the pieces and sorting through his own feelings for Evan.





	1. jared makes a bad decision

There was an empty space in the first pew, right next to Zoe. She had one hand placed there, fingers sprawled out as though claiming the spot for her brother. Connor's absence seemed to ring through the room with more clarity than the toll of any bell, although those, too, were ringing. 

Don't ask for whom the bell tolls, it tolls for thee. Jared could remember his father telling him that as a child and he could remember how it frightened him. That night, he'd woken up wrapped in Spider-Man sheets and been so thankful that they weren't made of the soft velvet in the coffin he'd dreamt of. 

Jared wondered if Connor's coffin was filled with velvet or with satin or with nothing at all. Maybe Connor was being put to rest in something as empty a vessel as he was. According to him, that is, not Jared. Connor had written it himself in the note he'd left. The note that in all fairness, probably wasn't meant to be seen by the public eye. Definitely wasn't meant to be seen by the public eye. 

It was chicken scratch scrawled in perfect isolation, the kind of message in a bottle that never makes it far enough to reach anyone else. 

Connor had called himself an empty vessel and a monster and then burrowed the confession away. An unsung plea for help from an unsatisfied masochist, or the most shameful and most intimate parts of a lonely teenage boy. 

The crumpled piece of composition paper found in Connor's dresser drawer was the closest thing they had to a suicide note, closest thing they had to a fucking explanation. And even it was torn and stained and littered only with sentence fragments and hollow promises.

Hollow like this church, actually. Every word bounced off the ugly wallpaper and back as one by one, strangers lined up to eulogize a boy who's name they only ever bothered to learn as a punchline.

Boys Connor's age had always thought he was a threat or, at the very least, an anathema. He was too tall and his hair was too long and when he got mad he punched holes in walls or in his sister's locker. In a world where being emotionally vulnerable was equated to pinning a "Kick Me" sign to the back of your own shirt, Connor Murphy was a little overwhelming. 

He seemed to fling himself haphazardly across the spectrum, unwary of the risks that implied. On some days he was completely stoic, but the next week he'd be crazy with rage or choking out sobs on the back of the bus and constantly at odds with his own instability. If it weren't for Evan Hansen, he'd probably have been dead back in freshman year. 

Evan Hansen met Connor in second period geometry when Evan was freshly in high school and Connor was repeating the class because he hadn't bothered to give a shit about exams the year before. The two were seated next to each other which made it easy for Connor to fawn silently over the cute kid with the even cuter freckles and, eventually, to help him out with homework.

They were well suited as a team, mostly because Connor was good at triangle congruence and Evan was good at respecting their annoying ass teacher and his stupid looking mustache. It also helped that they had mutual and poorly disguised romantic feelings for each other. 

The way Connor's clavicle peeked out from his heavy jacket made Evan's palms sweat, and Connor more than once caught himself doodling hearts in the margins of every notebook he owned. 

It wasn't until halfway through Evan's sophomore year when the furtive glances and subtle flirtations came to fruition. Connor had yanked at Evan's hand by the bus loop one day with urgency and smacked their lips together with an audible popping noise. Evan had bravely slipped his tongue into Connor's mouth and the whole ordeal was slimy and unpracticed and pretty much gross. But on the ride home Evan was giddy and Connor couldn't stop bringing a hand to his mouth to trace the curves where Evan had been, so they both looked past the saliva in their chins.

Jared had received a slew of overexcited texts from Evan that evening, full of words and emojis so exuberant they seemed to bounce off the screen. To Jared, they'd read like neon signs telling him he'd lost his chance. 

The next day in the courtyard Evan had commented embarrassedly about their ill conceived attempt at French kissing and Connor had smirked and said he was a tactile learner before going in for another kiss. This time it still felt a little strange, but overall considerably less slimy. Jared still thought it was fucking gross.

As Evan stood hunched over in back of the church now, he recalled how fast Connor made his heart beat, how kissing him always, always felt like something transcendent and brand new. 

Just a little over a month ago Connor commented that being with Evan was the most alive he'd ever felt. Evan remembered this, noted the irony, and promptly decided to rid himself of that particular memory. It was tainted now, bruised with bitterness and a sense of impending dread. 

It had been two weeks since the new of Connor's death, and this was something new Evan had started doing. Picking out bits of memory and then tossing them away, hoping to pretend they never happened. 

Another new hobby Evan had picked up was the contemplation of his own mortality. As nonsensical as the idea was, he couldn't help but imagine that Connor had left behind some sort of death curse. Evan had driven to the florist in the rain this morning to pick up flowers, and on the way he'd begin to hydroplane. The moment was brief and innocuous but for a second, Evan was sure he was going to die. And he couldn't even muster up the adrenaline or the courage to care. 

Alana Beck was up on the podium now, waxing poetic about the dead kid she didn't know. Well, Evan guessed she knew enough for her purposes. She knew that Connor was lonely and not well liked and that now he was dead. Speaking on his behalf would look very good for her. 

"Connor was a dear friend and classmate to all of us. He always worked diligently in the classes we shared together, an admirable trait for any student." Alana said, tucking a stray piece of hair behind her ear. 

Evan's eyes panned automatically to the back of Zoe Murphy's head and he watched and she turned around, found him in the crowd, and rolled her eyes. He smirked, getting the unspoken joke without needing her to explain. Connor wasn't a good student, and Alana knew that. He was lazy at best, and downright belligerent at worst. 

Zoe was sitting with her legs crossed and her shoulders straight and Evan's first though is that she looks beautiful without any makeup. Or, maybe she is wearing makeup. He wouldn't recognize it if it were there. 

Of anyone at the funeral, even the strangers and would-be bullies, Zoe was putting on the bravest face. Evan had always admired how Zoe's hair was the shade of cinnamon, and the way it framed her face. 

She felt sick and guilty and angry. Angry because this had been the very definition of a long time coming and yet, she still had the fucking audacity to be surprised. 

The only one who'd cried publicly so far was her mother. The only one among them who had let tears flow without shame. Everyone else, Zoe especially, had reservations. What would people thing if they knew that Zoe had seen and known Connor as he was and that she loved him anyway? 

She loved him for the good days, yes. She loved him for the drawing of Saturn he'd sketched on the sole of her sneaker after a fight and for when he used to take her to the beach and throw her in the water. But she also loved him in spite of the bad times. She heard how he yelled and now he cried and how he spat cruel things to her and she loved him through that. 

Jared sat behind her, looking uncharacteristically solemn. In this place where crass jokes and sarcastic commentary would go unappreciated, he felt totally at a loss for words and kind of vulnerable. He feared that if he said anything, everyone would sneer. If he wasn't being funny, who the hell cared what he had to say? 

Larry Murphy was at the podium now, thanking everyone for coming. He didn't say he missed Connor or that he loved him, just that he was sorry he was gone. The kind of things you might also say about a golden retriever. 

Jared stood up to leave and met Evan's eyes. The two came to an unspoken agreement to meet outside. It reminded Jared of weeknights walking home from ecology club together. Evan had signed up and Jared had followed behind like a puppy because he was in love and pathetic and desperate to make Evan happy. 

Outside, the sun shone through the church's stain glass and clashed horribly with the congregation's foggy mood. Evan stood with his hands in his pockets, ticking just slightly. 

When Jared was six years old, he noticed that Evan's eyes did weird things sometimes. Like, Evan would blink hard and then whip his head to the side. He'd thought that was strange, and so he'd asked his mother about it. She told him she thought Evan may have something called Tourette's Syndrome. 

The next day, Jared had proudly sauntered up to Evan and asked, "So what's it like having Tourette's Syndrome?" and waited patiently to see just how impressed Evan was with his boundless wisdom. Instead, Evan had scrunched his little nose up and asked what those words meant. Jared explained, and Evan went home to ask Heidi if he did indeed have Tourette's. 

Evan returned to the sandbox the next day and said that no, he did not have Tourette's Sydrome, and that according to a neurologist he simply had a few nervous tics. Jared remembered this now. He thought about how scared Evan had looked when he thought he might have Tourette's Sydrome, and how scared he looked when he knew he would never seen Connor again. 

"Evan!" Jared exclaimed. "Hey, man." 

Evan forced a smile, like when someone has a migraine but they still need to interact with their fellow man. The kind that said "I don't want to be rude but hey, leave me the fuck alone." 

"Hey, Jared." Evan said, stuffing his hands further into the pockets of his ill fitted dress pants and averting his eyes. 

"Um, that was a nice service." Jared said awkwardly, unsure how to talk to a person knee deep in grief. 

All he had were cheap words, the same ones stuffed down the throats of everyone in mourning. Ostensibly, they sought to comfort. In reality, they meant to silence. No one wants to hear about another person's heartbreak, it only reminds them of their own. 

"It was okay." Evan agreed, nodding in that kind of panicked way he had. Like he wanted to be quick to agree. 

"I'm really sorry about Connor, Evan. Honestly, I am." Jared said. 

He thought about how nauseous it made him feel to think that if he didn't say that, Evan might truly think he didn't care. And he did care. He cared about Connor but more than that, he cared about Evan. He cared about Evan so much it made his chest ache. 

"Thanks, Jared. I appreciate it. Means a lot." Evan said, and it almost sounded sarcastic. But maybe Jared was only paranoid. 

"Do you want to come to my house tonight?" Jared blurted out. 

He heard himself say it like you might in bad dream, as though he were watching himself through a TV screen. Watching himself jump off of a goddamn cliff. 

Evan could not come over tonight. Not when the smell of his shirts made Jared dizzy with bliss and his fingers sometimes brushed Jared's own. Not when Evan's boyfriend was dead and the funeral was today and Zoe would kill them both if they didn't show up to that get together at her house afterward. 

"Sure, okay." Evan said. 

"Great!"


	2. maybe the clankorious is the friends we made along the way

"Apples to Apples isn't fun to play with only two people." Evan said, crossing his arms and looking thoroughly unimpressed with Jared's selection of games. 

"I guess that's true." Jared agreed. "Pictionary?" 

"Neither of us can draw, Jared." Evan said, and Jared couldn't help but feel kind of stupid because Connor could draw. 

Connor drew things for Evan and for himself and once, last year, for Jared. He'd drawn an entire galaxy for his birthday because he knew Jared liked "that Star Wars shit" and Jared had ignored that comment because the drawing really was beautiful. As gay as that sounded. 

"Okay. Do you have any suggestions, Evan?" Jared asked, irritated because being adorable and having a dead boyfriend didn't give Evan a free pass at being a stubborn little bitch. Or, wait. Maybe it did. 

"I like Candyland." Evan said, eyes scanning the room for the game. 

"My mom threw it away, remember?" Jared reminded him. "And besides, Candyland makes me want to kill mys-" 

Jared sucked in a breath of cold air, stopping himself from saying the worst thing he possibly could. Evan looked swiftly to the ground, trying hard to pretend that disaster hadn't just been narrowly being avoided. 

"It's boring, I mean. And you always win. Um, scrabble?" 

Evan looked at him as though he'd suggested something truly heinous. Like genocide or taking all day breakfast off of the McDonald's menu. Evan loved Egg Mcmuffins. 

"I'm awful at Scrabble, Jared." Evan said. "And you always make up words. Remember the 'clankorious' incident?" 

"It's an adjective meaning something obnoxious and loud!" 

"Oh, kind of like you?" Evan asked with a half smirk. 

"It's most commonly used in reference to parties! As in 'The party started off loud, and grew increasingly clankorious as the night went on'!" Jared insisted, inexplicably adamant about this nonsense he'd made up. 

"It isn't a word, Jared!" 

"It is if you believe it is, Evan!" 

"Fine, we can play Scrabble if that's what you really want!" Evan exclaimed, crossing his arms. 

"What? Why? I don't want to play Scrabble, we hate Scrabble. Why would we play Scrabble?" 

Evan stared at him for a moment in utter bewilderment before blinking once and bursting into incredulous laughter. Jared's nose wrinkled in confusion, not getting it. 

"What's so funny?" 

"Jared, why were you so insistent about the made up word if you don't even want to play Scrabble?" 

"Clankorivocous is another matter entirely!" Jared cried. 

"Sorry, what was the word again?" Evan asked, cupping a hand around his ear as though to help him hear better. 

"Uh, clankervicle?" 

Evan shook his head, still chuckling just a little. 

"Do you want to just watch a movie in my room, Evan?" Jared asked, and immediately regretted both asking the question and ever having been born. 

If there was thing Jared had learned in all his years on Earth, it wasn't how to convert a decimal to a percent. It wasn't to stay away from strangers or to never drink and drive, it wasn't something anyone else had told him. It was something he'd learned himself, the hard way. 

Unless you had a death wish, it was not a good idea to watch a movie with someone you were pining over. Especially if to watch the movie you had to sit on a bed and especially if you'd been pining over this person since the sixth grade dance when he'd worn that suit and awkwardly swayed his hips back and forth to Fall Out Boy's Sugar, We're Going Down. 

And especially if you had just walked home from a funeral and especially if the funeral was for this person's late boyfriend. 

Watching a movie with this person will inevitably lead to you staring at them and wanting to kiss them. And if you're really unlucky, then that person will giggle like Evan does during romantic scenes because they get uncomfortable. And this will only make you want to recreate those scenes with them.   
Watching movies with Evan made Jared a little nauseous. 

"Yeah, let's just watch a movie." Evan said, and suddenly he looked exhausted. 

"Uh, what do you want to watch?" Jared asked, leading the way upstairs to his bedroom. 

"God, I don't know." Evan admitted. "I can't say I'm really in the mood for When Harry Met Sally right now." 

Jared's affinity for romantic comedies was probably his best kept secret. He was a sucker for the chance meetings and build up to sex and Meg Ryan was the best in the business. When Harry Met Sally always made him tear up. 

"Well, you know all of the movies I own. Are there any you feel like watching?" JareIm d asked, stepping into his room. 

"I guess not." Evan said, shrugging. 

There was no need to explain why. 

"Want to just hang out up here anyway?" Jared asked, and kicked himself mentally for the third time that day. 

Hang out up here? Alone with Evan Hansen in his goddamn bedroom? Talk about a disaster waiting to happen! 

"Sure, why not?" 

"Maybe we can play a video game or someth-what's that?" Jared asked, halting his own train of thought. 

A balled up piece of paper had fallen out of Evan's pocket, and Jared was lunging for it before he got the chance to consider the consequences of doing so. 

"Jared, don't!" Evan pleaded, but he'd already smoothed out the piece of notebook paper. 

Oh. Connor's note. Right. 

"Evan, why do you even have this?" Jared asked, voice laced with concern. "How would you even have gotten this?" 

Evan did the eyes shut, head twitching to the side thing. Jared hated when he did that. 

"I just-it's seriously not that big of a deal, okay? Don't get mad! I just took it off of Cynthia's counter when I was over there the other day because--ugh! I don't know why I would do that! I guess I just needed something." Evan explained, sputtering and flustered. "Something that Connor had touched, you know?" 

Evan's voice broke then, giving way to a floodgate. He began to shake violently and Jared tossed the note onto his bed and rushed to where Evan stood. 

"No one is mad, Evan." He assured him. "I'm sorry about everything that's happened. Don't cry, please." 

Watching a movie was the second worst thing you could do to a person you were pining over. The first being hold them while they cried. It would only cause a lump to manifest itself suddenly in your own throat. 

"I don't think I can do this, Jared." Evan confessed when the sobs had alleviated slightly. 

"Do what?" 

"The whole 'grieving boyfriend' routine. Everyone looks at me with those sad eyes and I can't stand it. I hate the attention, Jared, but it's so rude to reject people who AT trying to make me feel better." Evan explained. "They don't get that they aren't helping! Moms keep trying to give me pies, and I think it's just as much about proving they aren't homophobic as anything!" 

Jared nodded as Evan took a deep breath. With a stroke of courage, he ran a hand through Evan's hair. Jesus Christ, he was so warm. 

"I just want Connor back, you know? That's all I want." 

"I know, Evan. But I don't know what to tell you, dude. Things are gonna be hard for a while. They're gonna hurt." 

Evan sneered, rolling his eyes. 

"Why did he have to do this now? Didn't he know what he was doing? Did he not fucking think?" Evan asked the air, yanking himself out of Jared's grip. "How selfish do you have to be? His mom can't stop crying! She tries, but the tears just won't fucking stop!" 

Evan panted, out of breath, and Jared stood next to him shell shocked. People seriously did not give this kid enough credit. He'd just suffered the loss of his life, and he still had the energy to be angry about it. 

Watching Evan break down in front of him was a strange mix of terrifying and exhilarating. Finally, someone was being honest! Everyone had just been wondering around like zombies since Connor died, and Evan was actually talking about it! Someone was at long last allowing themselves to be loud and heartbroken and furious! 

"I was thinking about changing the note, you know." Evan mumbled, turning away from Jared. 

"What? What are you gonna do?" 

"I was going to change the note. Connor's note. Because they were all so upset, you know. Zoe was so upset. The only reason I didn't is because I couldn't forge his handwriting. Isn't that crazy? I mean, isn't that insane?" 

"Well, yeah." Jared agreed uncomfortably. "That would be really weird, Evan." 

"Yeah. It would be." 

There was silence then, as Evan wiped tears from his face and Jared looked on, feeling something like a voyeur. Grieving really was such a private thing, and Evan was doing it right out here in the open. 

"I've missed you, Jared." Evan said abruptly, wrapping his fingers around Jared's wrist. 

Jared felt his heart begin to race faster, detached from his mind who told it to be quiet, to not get its hopes up. Jared spent a lot of time building his hopes up and knocking them down again. 

"What do you mean?" Jared asked kindly, repositioning their hands so his was holding Evan's. "I'm always around." 

Evan interlocked their fingers and squeezed. They hadn't done their hand holding thing in a while. It was just a dumb ritual started in preschool, when Jared sprained his ankle, and they'd kept it up from there. If one of them was hurting, the other one held their hand. It was just a family friend thing. But they hadn't done it in forever, not since Evan and Connor had gotten together. Jared had missed this. 

"Yeah, I know." Evan said. "But I've been too busy with Connor to appreciate you. I don't know if you've noticed, but I haven't been over here in like, six months. Maybe more." 

Jared had noticed. He noticed every time he saw the book on his shelf about trees. He'd bought it because he wanted to show off his knowledge on trees to Evan. He had a whole speech prepared about oaks, but he hadn't gotten the chance to share it with Evan yet. Well, surely the time would come. 

Jared took a second to take in the warmth of Evan's palm on his. They were both sweaty, but that was okay. It just felt good, like crawling into bed after the longest day of your life. Like holding hands with the boy you love after missing him so much. 

Jared felt a sudden vibration, a buzzing near his thigh. Evan's phone going off. Evan released Jared's hand, and Jared regretted not relishing in the feeling more. 

"It's Zoe. I had a feeling she'd want to talk when we didn't show up to her house." Evan said. 

"Why didn't you go, anyway?" 

"Picking at Cynthia's Hors d'oeuvres and listing to strangers tell me how sorry they are? No thank you." Evan said, accepting the call. 

Zoe's pretty face appeared on the screen, frown lines running deep on her forehead. 

"Great, you're both here!" She announced. Jared could tell from the background that she was in her room. "So I only have to make one phone call!" 

"Hey, Zo." Evan said, chuckling nervously. 

"Hey, assholes!" She said. "Where the hell were you guys? I had to talk to all these creepy adults by myself! My mom almost made me perform a song on my guitar!" 

"I'm sorry, Zoe." Evan said with a sigh. "I just wasn't up to it. How was everything? Besides us not showing up, I mean?" 

"How was the party after my brother's funeral, you mean? Fantastic! Very clankorious." 

"Seriously?" Evan asked. "Why does anyone play anything with you?" 

"I told you it was a real word, Evan!"

"The insanely cool Jared Kleinman is the best Scrabble player I know!" 

"See!" Jared said, and Evan groaned. Zoe started on about something else, some anecdote from this afternoon. 

Jared could get used to more of this. Evan's lighthearted annoyance and Zoe's wicked sense of humor. It was things like this that had Jared half convinced that things were going to be okay.


	3. getting flipped off from heaven

Returning to school the Monday after Connor's funeral was something Evan dreaded, and something he'd tried very hard to avoid. He'd begged his mother to let him stay home, pulling the dead boyfriend card more than once, but she wouldn't budge. 

"Evan, honey." She'd said, eyes tired and kind as they always were. "You can't stay home forever, okay? It isn't healthy. It's time to start the healing process." 

The healing process, right. Evan was sure that if he looked in the parenting books his mom had stacked in her closet, he would find that phrase among their other tired platitudes and vague bits of advice. Maybe in Raising a Child With Anxiety, or Buck Up: A Guide to Coping With Childhood Depression. Heidi thought those books were well hidden, thought Evan didn't know about them. She was mistaken. 

When Evan first saw the books, he was 11 years old and playing hide and seek with Jared, and losing. Huddled in the back of his closet in a last ditch effort to score some points, he'd seen the books. They'd made him feel like a puzzle yet to be properly assembled, like a burden.

He felt much the same way now, sitting in second period and feeling how the eyes bore into his back. They all thought the same thing, he was sure of it. Poor Evan, kid was unstable enough without the death of his psycho boyfriend. Evan felt something hit the back of his neck and stiffened, bracing himself to be bothered by some kid he hardly knew. Probably asked some naively insensitive question about the funeral, about why he didn't show up at the Murphy's house afterward. 

Something hit him again, a balled up piece of paper. It stung. 

"Hey!" The culprit whispered, and Evan recognized his voice as the same one that had been annoying him since childhood. Right. He'd almost forgotten where Jared sat, behind him and to the left. 

Evan sighed, but the annoyance was, for the most part, put on for show. He whipped around in his seat. 

"Yes, Jared?" 

Jared grinned almost coyly, twirling a pencil in his hand. 

"Why so grumpy, Evan?" He asked, cocking his head to the side in mock sympathy. "Remember me? I'm your best friend!" 

Evan felt a twinge of guilt. Jared had such an affinity for putting a positive spin on bad things, even after Evan had been neglecting him. Although, Jared hadn't really been grieving at all. That wasn't healthy, was it? Maybe it wasn't positivity he had such a knack for, but bulldozing through pain until it bit him in the ass. Nonetheless, Evan smiled back. 

"Right, sorry. I didn't mean to look mad, or whatever. If that's what you meant, that I looked mad. Did I? If I did, I'm sorry." 

Holy shit! What was making him so jumpy? He would guess it had something to do with the way Jared was staring at him expectantly, like nothing mattered but what he had to say. It felt like a lot of pressure to say something interesting. Jared hadn't always looked at him that way, had he? Connor used to look him like that sometimes, when they were alone together. It made Evan feel a little like he was under the hot lamp of a police interrogation. 

Jared chuckled, not unkindly. If anyone was used to Evan's nerves, it was him. 

"Don't worry about it." He reassured. "I was just gonna ask if you wanted to eat lunch with me, dude. It's been a while." 

It certainly had been a while. Connor had always hated the cafeteria or, as he called it, The Hormone Capital of The World. He and Evan used to eat lunch outside,   
in some spot that was quiet and nestled far away from the rest of the world. 

"Yes, great! Of course. Thanks, Jared." 

Jared nodded, smile deepening. 

"Sounds like a plan. I'll see you then, Hansen." 

••••

What was the protocol for the situation? How long is the appropriate amount of time to wait before making a move on your childhood best friend, who's crazy boyfriend had just died? Or, wait. Not crazy. That wasn't a good word for it. Troubled, maybe. That could work. Jared found himself checking his internal monologue for political correctness. 

He felt bad when thought about Connor that way, so callous. There hadn't been any real ill will between them when he was alive. The kid was nice enough when you got to know him, seriously. Not that Jared really knew him all that well. 

Once, he had walked past Connor's car on the way to his own in the school parking lot. Evan was with him in the backseat, on his back like a cheap whore. No, that wasn't true. That was his jealousy talking. Jared had seen the two of them, all over each other as though they weren't in a public area, open to the inspection of onlookers. 

God, just thinking about it made him upset, jealous. In that moment, he'd wanted Evan all to himself, wanted him on his back like that in Jared's car, or in his bed. He'd hated Connor, hated him for touching Evan that way, one hand up his shirt. Jared was sure he wasn't doing it right, wasn't aware of how lucky he was. But even then, Jared never would have wished him dead. 

When he'd gotten the news that Connor was gone, he couldn't cry. His stomach sank and his lungs had stopped functioning but there were no tears. He was still trying to forgive himself for that. 

"Jared!" Evan called excitedly, making his way to the table. "Have you seen these cookies?" 

"What?" Jared asked, shaken by the shift in tone from his own thoughts. 

"The cafeteria makes these huge cookies, have you seen them?" 

Jared didn't attempt to mask his disgust. 

"No, as a matter of fact, I haven't. My mom's homemade lunches are just fine with me. And they're made with love. You can't really tell me that disgusting food they make here is made with love, can you Evan?" 

Evan rolled his eyes. 

"Whatever, Mama's Boy. Is anyone else coming to sit with us?" 

Jared shook his head. 

"Nah. I ditched the lunch crew for my boy Evan." 

The guys Jared usually sat with were okay in small doses, but he was glad to be rid of them. Total losers, all of them. And kind of misogynistic, too. Gross. 

"You didn't have to do that." Evan said, but he looked touched. "I hope you don't mind but, um, I invited Zoe to sit with us." 

"That's fine, but what about her friends in jazz band? Doesn't she normally sit with Ashley and all those guys?" 

"She's been hanging out with me more because I guess she thinks that I, uh, understand how she feels more than anyone. About Connor, I mean." 

Jared nodded. That made a lot of sense, he thought. It would be hard to be around people who didn't get it, who's lives moved on as usual. 

"Kleinman, do you have any of those muffins your mom makes?" 

Speak of the devil. Zoe slid into the seat adjacent to Evan, looking only a little uncomfortable.

"Sorry, Zoe. I just ate that last one for breakfast this morning." Jared replied with a wink. 

Zoe had tried one of Mrs Kleinman's cookies at some school sanctioned event ages ago, and had been fixated on her baked goods ever since. Muffins especially. 

"Damn." Zoe said before turning to Evan and placing a hand on his shoulder. 

"How are you holding up?" She asked, concerned. 

Evan looked at a loss for words, glancing between his friends as he searched for the right articulation. 

"I feel helpless." Is what he finally settled on, deflating in apparent defeat. "I mean, what can we do? It's not like bringing him back is an option, so we're just at the mercy of the universe, I guess." 

"God, that's depressing." Zoe said, but she didn't make any attempt to argue. 

And how could she? Connor was gone and there wasn't anything they could do about it. 

"Do you guys know what Connor would say if he heard you now?" Jared asked. 

"Yeah." Zoe said. "'Stop being a pussy, Zo.'" 

"'Fucking relax, Hansen.'" Evan offered. 

"Something along those lines, yeah." Jared agreed. "He wouldn't want any of us to be so upset." 

"I respectfully disagree, Kleinman." Zoe said, waving a carrot stick in the air for emphasis. 

"You do?" 

"Yes! Connor would probably be relishing in our suffering! Misery loves company, after all." 

"I'm sure he'd want his precious Evan to be happy." Jared pointed out, only half sarcastic. 

"Maybe." Evan said. "But he's probably flipping all of us off from heaven." 

"Really? Well in that case, fuck him!" Jared said, and all three of them broke into laughter. 

Zoe leaned back in her seat, seeming to relax. Jared couldn't imagine that she missed everything about her brother, the boy who he knew often terrorized her family with slamming doors and constant fighting. The Murphy house would be more peaceful now, that was certain. 

"Do you guys want to come over to my house tonight?" Zoe asked, as though reading his mind. "My parents aren't gonna be home and I seriously can't deal with the silence." 

"I'll come, Zoe." Evan offered, sympathetic. 

"Me too." Jared agreed. 

"Great. Maybe now we can all pretend things are normal." 

••••

Zoe's house was big enough to be intimidating. The staircase alone was something to see, gigantic and spiraling. Jared stared around silently, almost forgetting to breathe in favor of gawking. 

"What's it like being the richest family in town, Zoe?" He asked, teasing. 

She rolled her eyes, leading the way up the staircase. 

"I don't know how to respond to that without sounding like a spoiled brat." 

"I've learned to tune him out." Evan said. 

"That's an important skill to learn if you're going to be hanging out with me." Jared said. 

They reached the top of the staircase, making a right into the hallway. A door stood before them with a sign that read "Keep Out" in bold letters. Evan inclined instinctively towards it before correcting himself. 

"Oh! Sorry! I didn't mean to-I wasn't thinking!" 

Jared guessed that this was Connor's room. Used to be. 

"Don't worry about it, Evan. You can go in if you want to, I don't mind. Just meet me in my room, okay?" 

Evan nodded, seeming to brace himself. 

"Thank you, Zoe. Did you want to come with me, Jared?" 

Jared met his eyes, and could see something like fear. Evan needed emotional support, and he sure as hell wasn't going to let him down. 

"I'll come in." He said, watching as Evan opened the bedroom door. 

The room felt like a relic, trapped in the sands of time. It could very well stay frozen this way forever. The whole thing was rather eerie. 

Evan walked in cautiously, as though afraid to wake someone who wasn't there. Jared noted the detail in the room, a poster for some punk rock band he'd never heard of and a framed picture of Connor and Evan on the dresser. In the photo, Evan was beaming. 

Jared looked at the queen sized bed and blushed, his mind jumping immediately to thoughts of Evan sprawled out on the mattress. Jesus, he thought. You should be ashamed of yourself. He knew the images in his mind were inappropriate for the occasion, but sometimes his dick had a mind of its own. 

Had Evan had sex on this bed? God, that thought made his mind sizzle with some volatile combination of jealously and unbridled lust. 

"Do you think he can see us?" Evan asked. 

Jared shook himself of the impure thoughts, feeling immediately guilty. 

"Of course he can see us. He probably wishes he could come down here and kick our asses for ignoring that sign on the door." 

Evan chuckled, relieving some of the tension. 

"And it's just like you said, Evan, he's probably flipping us off from heaven." 

"God, I hope so. Hope that he can see us, I mean. I'd hate for him to be up there all alone." 

Jared sighed, feeling the weight of Evan's words and hating himself for not being able to help. No matter how many people were around you, he thought, grief was a road doomed to be lonely. 

He hoped this feeling wouldn't last forever.


	5. I'm pretty sure murder is against the library's rules

"You like him, right?" Zoe asked casually, chewing her bubblegum. 

She was one of those people who couldn't hear themselves chewing, couldn't tell how gross it sounded to everyone around them. Jared had been about to make a comment about it before Zoe asked the million dollar question, rendering him completely speechless. 

"Sorry? What are you asking?" Jared replied, and he could hear his voice squeak like a little boy going through puberty. 

Jesus, were all the Murphys this blunt? Who asks something like that out of the blue? Jared wasn't even out to her yet, much less ready to discuss the particulars of his feelings and who they were for. 

"Evan." Zoe reiterated. "You like Evan." 

"What happened to the question mark? There was a question mark at the end of the sentence about ten seconds ago!" 

"I thought the panic on your face spoke for itself. So how long?"

"How long?" 

Zoe rolled her eyes. 

"For how long have you liked him, Jared?" 

Jared groaned. He and Zoe were standing right next to the sci fi books in their school library, waiting for Evan to finish printing his English essay about nuance in Shakespearean plays. He lowered his voice as to not attract the other boy's attention. 

"How could you tell? Is it that obvious?" 

Zoe smiled, sympathetic. 

"Don't worry, I just have an eye for this kind of thing. And I won't tell anyone. But answer my question, dude. How long have you liked him?" 

Jared cringed. He didn't want to look any more pathetic than he already did, and having unreciprocated feelings for this long was pretty sad. 

"I plea the fifth." He mumbled, breaking eye contact. 

"A year?" She asked. 

Jared flinched even more, feeling his face heat up tellingly. Zoe's eyes widened. 

"Longer, seriously? How long?" 

Jared mumbled again, something barely comprehensible as the English language. 

"What? I couldn't hear you, say it again?" 

"Since the sixth grade, alright? Are you happy now?"

Zoe gawked. 

"For real?" She asked incredulously. "Dude, that's like, five years!" 

"I can do the math just fine, thanks." 

Jared started to walk away, too embarrassed to be having this conversation. 

"Hey, no!" Zoe exclaimed, grabbing his arm. "I'm not making fun of you, Jared. Just surprised, is all." 

Jared sighed, resigning himself to this half assed confessional. 

"Go ahead, ask your questions. I'm assuming you have questions." 

"A few." Zoe admitted. "For one, does it kill you when he wears that one pair of jeans?" 

"I don't know what you're referring to." Jared said, playing dumb. 

"Oh, come on! They're so tight! I know you've noticed."

Jared blushed, the note of suggestion in Zoe's voice not going unnoticed. 

"Shut up, Murphy." 

Zoe laughed, looking practically giddy in light of this new information. 

"Jared, this is so precious! No wonder you're always staring at him like that." 

"I don't stare at him! That's slander, I'll sue you!" 

"You're constantly looking at him! You were just doing it today at lunch! Seriously, I thought you wanted his sandwich or something." 

Jared laughed. 

"Aren't you angry?" He asked. 

"Angry? Why the fuck would I be angry, Jared?" 

"Because of Connor, I guess. I'm in love with the guy who was dating your brother, after all." 

Zoe shrugged, crossing her arms and sticking both hands in her armpits. 

"It's not like Connor and I were even on the best terms, you know. When he was alive. I mean, don't get me wrong, I love him. Loved him. What I'm trying to say is that I'm not mad. You can't help who you like, or love, or whatever." 

Jared chuckled, amused by her ramblings. 

"Right. I agree. I can't help that I like him!" 

"Well, he's got all that raw sex appeal." Zoe deadpanned. 

Jared followed her line of vision over to wear Evan sat, struggling to pull the computer mouse from where it was stuck before yanking too hard and nearly stumbling out of his chair. They laughed, covering their mouths so they didn't cause a disruption. 

"Hey guys, what's so funny?"

Jared and Zoe sobered immediately upon seeing and hearing Alana Beck. That girl certainly had a knack for sucking the laughter out of every room she walked into. 

"Oh, nothing. You had to be there, I guess." Jared explained, shutting her down. 

Alana wilted, seeming disappointed. 

"Oh. Well....I wanted to talk to you guys about something!" 

She perked back up almost immediately, forcing a grin. 

Zoe and Jared side eyed each other, perplexed. They couldn't think of any reason why Alana would need their help. 

"About what?" 

"Okay, so it really sucks about Connor, right? Totally tragic. But last night I was laying there in my bed and I started thinking, like, what if we could make something good out of all this? That would be amazing!" 

Zoe stiffened at Jared's side, tense. 

"I don't know what you mean, Alana." She said. 

"So, like, Connor was suffering from depression and none of us even knew! And now, you know, he's gone but what if we could save someone else? We could raise awareness and maybe save other kids!" 

Zoe froze, evidently experiencing some kind of internal struggle. 

"Zoe?" Alana asked when no one said anything. 

"I just want to get something straight, Alana." Zoe said, and it sounded like a warning. "You want to use my brother's death for--for what? Attention? For your goddamn college applications?" 

Alana was horrified, eyes glancing back and forth as though searching for an exit. 

"Zoe, that isn't what I meant-!" 

"Fuck you!" Zoe exploded, launching herself at the other girl. 

Jared did his best to restrain her, grabbing her by both arms. The other library patrons were gawking openly at the freak show in front of them. Evan stood up from his computer and rushed over. 

"My brother isn't gonna be a bullet on your permanent record!" Zoe shrieked. "He isn't a prop to make you look better! He was a real fucking person!" 

"I think you should go." Evan said solemnly, addressing Alana. 

"Zoe, I'm really sorry." Alana said, and for once in her life she sounded sincere. 

Looking regretful, she turned on her heel and left through the library's double doors. Zoe relaxed in Jared's grip. 

"Are you okay, Zo?" Jared asked, releasing her. 

"Don't be stupid, I'm fine. People like her just piss me off. It's like, we can all see through her facade. You know what I mean? Why does she pretend she's so much better than us?" 

As Evan leaned into give her a comforting hug, Jared's thoughts moved to Connor. He and Zoe had more in common than most people knew, it seemed. That public outburst he'd just witnessed was the kind of thing Connor was known for. 

"Can we just go?" Zoe asked, looking embarrassed. 

The boys nodded, and Evan led her out with an arm around her shoulders.


End file.
